A Bad Haircut

Warning: I kind of rant in this post and I apologize for that because I was having a really hard time expressing myself in a way that could be understood. But it was something I really wanted to write about to see if it could help organize all the thoughts and emotions in my head. I hope what I wrote made a little sense.

So, yesterday I decided that it had been long enough and I really needed to go get my hair trimmed. In the US, I would go every 6-8 weeks to cut the dead ends off my hair so it could keep growing and have a healthier appearance. The last time I got my hair done was in the beginning of August, before I left for Ecuador. I figured it had been a little over three months and it was time to clean up the ends of my hair so that it could keep growing longer because I really want long hair.

Simone and I went to the peluquería together because she wanted a trim as well. I went first, and we told the women to just cut the ends of my hair and “only a little”. I am used to “only a little” meaning taking off as little as possible while getting rid of the dead ends- so a maximum of 1 inch is normally taken off. At this particular shop, “only a little” ended up being 2+ inches. And I know I sound like such a “stereotypical girl” right now, but 2+ inches makes a huge difference in hair length and I can’t stand how much shorter my hair appears and feels. So this frustrated me a bit after having grown my hair out for a while.

But what really made me mad is the second part of this story. While cutting my hair, the hair dresser suggested cutting a few pieces around the front shorter, kind of like side bangs. Now, usually I like change and some style to my hair. Usually, I would say, “oh it's just hair, it grows back”. But I was very unsure about saying yes. I was literally squirming in my seat, listening to Simone and the hairdresser telling me it would look fantastic and be a nice change. I just wanted to say no and leave my hair alone since the hairdresser had already shortened my hair significantly. But after some debate, I gave in to their insisting and finally just said "go for it, I am on exchange after all”.

As soon as the hair was cut, I regretted the decision completely. This is the first experience that I have had so far in Ecuador where “just going for it” has backfired. I should be laughing, honestly. It's not as awful as I make it seem even though I feel like I have never hated a haircut so much in my life. I am not even going to post a picture because I can’t smile while taking one. I have been an emotional mess about this whole thing for the past day and getting upset about it is driving me crazy, and I hate feeling like this every time I look at my hair. But the thing is, I have had this style before, and now I remember just how much I eventually hated it. The short pieces of hair are always in your face, so you have to deal with them or clip them back somehow (which is impossible with my hair). The pieces aren't long enough to fit into a pony tail so you have to straighten them or they look terrible, and these same pieces continue to be a pain until they have grown out and can be styled back with the rest of the hair. Oh, and did I mention that after coming back from my sleepover with Simone, I now can’t find my straightener. JUST PERFECT. It disappears when I need it most. I have literally looked everywhere and the maid doesn’t remember moving it, even though I remember exactly where it was before I left.

So yes, I am mad; mad at myself for letting them convince me to do it, mad for trusting their opinions, and mad for telling myself to “go for it”. Every time I try and tell myself otherwise, that I look fine and my decision wasn’t a bad one, I end up crying angry tears. And here I am, writing this post because I am obviously not over it. And to top it off, I haven’t been having the best of luck over the past few days either- our internet was broken for two days, right when it was necessary for me to Skype home and cry to them about my mistake decision.

Now this whole thing may sound stupid to you. She’s crying over a haircut that isn’t even that terrible. (OH but it feels like it IS). But really, I have reflected long and hard about why I am so upset, and I now realize that what I am feeling is so much more than just hatred for the decision to get a haircut.   

It is so much more because the change to my hair has sparked two realizations that make me even more emotional; 1) realizing that this exchange experience in Ecuador is real, that I am actually living here and I have 7 months to go and 2) realizing that I am changing a lot in all aspects of my life-both mind & body.

I think I am upset that I got rid of the hairstyle that I left home with; like the change I made represents that Ecuador is my official home now and the US is forgotten. Of course, I will never stop considering home to be where my true family is located. I would never forget them or the US, ever. But it's like I finally got over this surreal feeling I’ve had since I arrived, the feeling that I am going home any day now because I have been here for so long. I have finally accepted that Ecuador is where I will be for the next 7 months and I actually haven’t been here long at all. It is as if changing my hair is a symbol that I have embraced living here, that after adapting to the new language, culture, food, home, family, etc., I finally let the last part of me (my hair) become property of Ecuador as well. And in doing so, accepting and fitting into normalcy here, I realize just how much I really have changed and how much more I will change before returning home a new version of myself. This scares me because I like who I am and I don’t want to lose myself and stop representing where I come from. Of course, there was no way I wouldn’t have cut my hair all year- just like there is no way I wouldn’t change from this experience. But what the haircut made me realize is how quickly I have adapted and changed and I don’t want to move on from home so quickly. I am happy to be here and don’t want to leave, but I am sad to be realizing just how much longer I have to be away from my home and family. I miss them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, I think getting this haircut has convinced me that this exchange is really happening to me, that I am living in Ecuador for real- a fact that didn’t seem possible before- and that I am here for the whole 10 months and can’t turn back now. And in the end, not liking the outcome of the haircut just adds the aspects of anger and disappointment to my scared and sad emotions, because I believe that if I were at home in the US, I would have stuck to my first decision and would have been less likely to say “go for it” when I already had a plan. This is just one example of a change in me, this “go for it” attitude. And it’s not just internal- my hair is a visual representation of this change, everyone can see it and I can’t hide it. It isn’t something to be ashamed of necessarily, but I just look in the mirror and I don’t like the style and I immediately miss the way it was before, the way it was before I left home. Does that even make sense? I really don’t have a way to end this paragraph because I am still confused about what this means for me and how to explain the feelings that I can't seem to shake at the moment. 

Don’t worry; you’ll get a picture of the haircut eventually, maybe when I am not upset about how it looks.