A Lonely Thanksgiving

It was another emotional day for me- one of the times that my emotions have made me obnoxiously grumpy, and I apologize to those who dealt with my attitude on Friday morning as a result of the previous day.  

I took a recording on Thursday night to try and do a video blog. Let’s just say I ended up crying and I am not comfortable sharing the video and the state I was in. However, I decided to watch it again and type up most of what I said. Some parts may be repetitive as I was emotional and just saying what came to mind, but hopefully you get my points. Here we go:

“First of all, Happy Thanksgiving. I’ll admit, this is pretty hard for me. And I knew it would probably be one of the hardest things I’d have to deal with going on exchange just because I am such a big family person. I love my family very, very much. So being apart from them, especially on the holidays when they are all together and enjoying, is very difficult for me. They are such a big part of my life and being separate on the holidays is a big challenge for me.  

People talk about what Thanksgiving really means, and it’s being faithful for the opportunities that you have, the things that you have, all the blessings you have. And I am so very grateful to be here in Ecuador, I truly feel that. I am grateful for where I ended up, the host family I have right now, the times and experiences that I’ve had here so far, and I am going to get to experience more with the friends I have made- it’s just all been amazing and I have so much to look forward to. And I wouldn’t give up this opportunity for the world- it’s only one year away from my family- but even then it’s very hard. It’s the first year being apart from them. I am very thankful to be here, even though I don’t necessarily feel it right now.  It makes me think about the future, when I won’t be able to spend every Christmas with my grandparents, parents, and brother.

Of course, I tried to make things as normal as I possibly could. I stayed home from school and found a website to live-stream the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, which is always a favorite of mine.  And I am fortunate to have Skype, so I Skyped my family earlier this morning which was wonderful- but the vibe is still completely different when you aren’t sitting there talking to them all in person, enjoying their company.

It is hard to explain the customs back home because they are so different and it’s really frustrating to have people not understand how important these things are to you. Family means a lot here in Ecuador too. Family is everything to these people, really- they all pretty much live close by and talk about their relatives or spend time with them often. They get together for parties and the immediate family always has lunch together. You don’t see US families eating lunch or dinner together anymore. There is less and less family unity because they live so far apart, and they don’t put forth much effort to get together. That’s where I think the holiday season is so important in the states, just because it is the one time that families really do come together to share a meal, share presents, share company and  joy. That being said, for me to not be there, even with the close family I do have, it is hard. And the people here are not about to understand how a holiday like Thanksgiving is special, but back home they do. So I miss that.

I went out to our local Supermaxi last night to try and buy some food for a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner. I bought instant mashed potatoes, rolls, deli turkey, cranberry juice, and two different dessert options. They did sell turkeys, but I wasn’t about to buy a big one to cook and eat on my own. There was no gravy, cranberry sauce, squash, or pumpkin anything anyways.

We (me and the other American exchange students in my city) tried to organize a nice Thanksgiving dinner for all of us in the two Machala Rotary clubs, but we never pulled it together as the others didn’t seem to care about or understand the holiday and nobody was willing to skip school like I was to celebrate (which I found odd). They even suggested doing it on Saturday but I knew that doing it after the holiday would just feel ridiculous.

All I wanted was to recognize the holiday! I stayed home, thinking of my family because I didn’t want to be stuck in a class while trying to explain to the other students why I was upset, only for them to not understand and tell me to cheer up. I wasn’t going to deal with it.

I guess in the end, I was most upset about the letdown of being alone all day.  I had plans all set for my friend to come over after school so we could put together the food I bought, watch some DVDs, and just enjoy. But there I was at 5pm, texting her and asking if she still planned on coming over. Her response was “I don’t think so”. And this was just another blow to my day, reiterating the fact that what is normally an important holiday for me just wasn’t understood by others who don’t celebrate it. I just felt so alone, and hurt that she didn’t keep our plans, especially when I could have used the distraction from the loneliness. Not only did it make the food that I brought pointless without someone to share it with, but at that point, I was in no mood to eat such a poor excuse for the meal I would normally eat at home with my family. Of course, Thanksgiving shouldn’t be about the food, it’s about the atmosphere and the idea of giving thanks to the abundance of food that you are eating and the family around the table, alive and ready to indulge with you. But I still thought it would be nice to try and represent the food at home, and laugh with my friend about what I would normally be eating, and to have a happier atmosphere while sharing my usual traditions with her and thanking her for keeping me company. But that didn’t happen.

I am predicting that Christmas and New Years are going to be tough for me as well; they will be my true test. Because it’s not like I am going home, I have zero intentions of going home early, but it is certainly where my heart is on this Thanksgiving Day. And I feel bad for getting upset but then again, I have a right to feel this way, don’t I? I have never spent a Thanksgiving without my family, or a Christmas without them.  And for me, spending a holiday alone has got to be the worst feeling in the world- it is so tough. Because you want to celebrate but you can’t seriously enjoy celebrating a holiday alone; you can celebrate, but I can’t find much enjoyment in it. It’s like the home alone movie now makes total sense to me- I now understand just how awful it feels to spend the holiday alone. But what can I do? I can’t take a plane home for the day. It just won’t happen.

The only positive thing I can think to say is that maybe, maybe, Christmas will be a little easier. I say that because at least here in Ecuador they do celebrate Christmas and they celebrate it with plenty of parties, food, and family. It is still celebrated with different customs and traditions, but I think I may enjoy Christmas here because at least the people will understand the significance of the Christmas holidays and believe what I do. I will miss my family no doubt, but I will not be alone, and I will have some similarities to home as well as other events to distract me a little from focusing on what I am missing out on at home. And the majority of exchange students will be in the same boat over the holidays just because Christmas is more widely celebrated and we will all be missing home at this time. We can help each other get through it.”

That is where I stopped the video. I was thinking too much about everything and had to get tissues for the tears that had started running down my face halfway through the video.  Honestly, typing it out for you all was a better idea just because you can understand what you’re reading instead of trying to decipher my sniffy, mumbled speech.

I feel fine now that the holiday has come and gone, and I think it was important to share this post for two reasons. One, it shows my true emotions and thoughts of dealing with holidays on exchange, and two, it is good way to look back and remind myself to focus on the positives. This experience really shows you and reminds you of the things at home that you often take for granted or forget. It helps you realize what is most important in your life, and what you want to make sure you cherish when you return home. I have always cherished my family but it is just so clear how important they are to me right now while I am living miles away from them and having to do things more on my own. I certainly don’t think I’ll ever want to be away from them on the holidays in the future, if I can help it. P.S. I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving day no matter where in the world you were, what you ate, or who you celebrated with (I hope you weren’t alone).