Already Saying Goodbye

First of all, two days ago, December 2, 2013, was my 100^th day on exchange! WOO! 1/3 of my exchange is already over. It is amazing how fast it flies by.

Second of all, this is a long post coming at you. If you can stay with me all the way to the end- that's great- but if you'd rather just read about my experience of saying goodbye, that's fine too, just stop at the disclaimer paragraph. 

On Sunday December 1^st, I accompanied my friend Sarah to the city of Guayaquil and then to the airport where I had to say goodbye before she boarded the plane back to France. She didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t go into the details, but Sarah was not happy here in Ecuador and was excited to be going home. She did say she would miss three friends- Simone, Karen and I- but that was about it.

This is the second situation that I’ve been in where I just couldn’t understand how I was feeling because I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind at once. Earlier that morning, I watched as Sarah loaded the car and said goodbye to her second host parents (that she had only lived with for the past week) and get in the car of her first host family who was taking us to Guayaquil without any hesitation or emotion. She had left her Rotary blazer, French flag, business cards, school uniform and Panama hat in the house, saying she didn’t want to bring them home because she wouldn’t use them. Karen and Simone couldn’t make the trip to Guayaquil with us, but I was glad Sarah had at least one friend, someone she cares about, there to say goodbye. I helped Sarah with her carry-on bag while she checked in her larger suitcase, then we made our way to the checkpoint where only passengers with tickets can enter. It was time…

I turned to Sarah and gave her a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. We broke apart for me to tell her to take care and don’t forget to text me when you get home safely. We embraced a second time, and I told her that I better see her again one day when she invites me to visit France. She then hugged her former host mom (the only other person that accompanied us to the airport) and came back to give me one last hug. I told her I’d miss her and I love her. She said the same back to me- the only difference was that she was smiling when I had a disappointed expression on my face. We broke from the hug and she turned around to head into the checkpoint. Her host mother and I watched as she walked a little ways, turned back to wave, and then continued on to hand the security guard her customs slip before slipping around the corner.

Saying goodbye is never easy. I did not cry, but I felt my muscles tighten to hold back any emotions as she walked away. This is one thing that they don’t prepare you for in orientation. What do you do when a friend leaves their exchange- especially when it is earlier than expected? Whether they got in trouble by breaking the rules, or they are leaving voluntarily, or they are too homesick to continue… the circumstance doesn’t matter because the result is the same- you have to say goodbye.

The relationship I had with Sarah was finally at a point where we understood each other really well. At first it was tough because she doesn’t speak much English and I speak maybe 20 words of French so the foundation of our communication and friendship was in Spanish. We were at a place where she was comfortable spending time with me and where we joked around with each other in Spanish. She even taught me to say some Spanish phrases in French. I do want to believe that I will see Sarah again later in life. I hope that I can meet up with her in my future travels. And I hope above all that she keeps in touch throughout the rest of the year, because I am going to miss her being here.

Being at the airport with Sarah and watching her go got me thinking. How will I spend my last day here? How will the ride to the airport be? Who will say goodbye to me? What’s the last food I’ll eat in Ecuador? Who is the last person I’ll hug? Will I cry? Will I be excited to see my family after so long? I was glad to be there and support her as a friend. I am glad she had someone to hug and mean it when she said “I’ll miss you”. But just because I was glad to be a friend for Sarah doesn’t take away how weird it felt to be saying goodbye to someone I thought I would be hanging out with for the next 7 months. Being there, knowing that I have another 200 days to go before I am the one turning around for the airplane, it felt very wrong. It made me uncomfortable to be honest. Ecuador and I have unfinished business- there is no way I could decide to go home only after 1/3 of my exchange.

The majority of people that go on exchange will tell you the same thing- the first three months are the toughest! You have the challenge of adjusting to a new country, of course that is far from easy. When you go to orientation, you are told time and time again that you have people to support you through the hard times and that once you get past the rough, you will have the best time of your life. You are told to mentally prepare yourself for what’s to come, so that you can recognize your situation and overcome the problems in the best way possible. But it doesn’t work out for everyone.

I want to make a disclaimer on this next section until the end and just say that I am in no way being insensitive towards Sarah or anyone who ends up going home after three months of exchange, especially if the circumstances are bad. I am only sharing my opinion and why I couldn’t decide to leave my exchange after three months for circumstances that can be overcome in the future months like not knowing enough of the language, not being ready for these emotions, or having too much trouble with homesickness. I am sure everyone has their own feeling towards this, but I would like to share mine:

I guess I have a hard time understanding how a person can leave after three months of exchange, when they have barely given it a chance. The hard stuff should be starting to grow easier, thus making your time spent more enjoyable by the beginning of the fourth month. I know of people who have left their exchange in really bad shape and I fully believe that they made the right decision to leave. There absolutely are circumstances where leaving is really the only option. And I respect that. And maybe I have a more hopeful or positive mindset, thinking that things will get better, but I personally can’t imagine leaving this experience, something that I planned and prepared for, spent a lot of money on, and my family and friends have accepted, just to come back after 3 months.

Here is my analogy-it’s like paying for an amusement park ride, telling all of your family and friends you are going on this amazing 3000 ft ride, only to ride the first 1000 feet of the ride, feel scared, and decide to get off before the rest of it- before getting to the good part. What do you tell your family and friends when you get back not having finished the ride? I personally would regret not riding the whole thing! And what happens to the people- any new friends you made- on the first part of the ride? How do they react to you leaving? It just seems like so much more effort to stop the ride than to brave it out until the better part of the ride. Or better yet, at least ride 2/3 of the ride. By that point, you have a better judgment of whether the ride gets better or is just going to leave you disappointed and feeling like you wasted time. But this “ride” is an experience to learn and grow, and making it through the bad times is much more rewarding than giving up. Even a hard ride is one you should be proud of if you make it through. I wouldn’t call that disappointing or a waste of time- I’d call it an accomplishment. I feel like leaving after three months is admitting defeat, or admitting that you weren’t prepared for exchange, weren’t prepared to accept the challenge, the change, the distance, the new life. And I am not saying exchange is a competition. But I see completing a year in another country as a success- something not everyone can do. No, it doesn’t always work out. Not everyone is ready. But I signed up for the whole ten months; I paid for the whole amusement park ride. To me, that is the confirmation that I am ready for the experience, ready to be an exchange student. It’s my mindset. And if you arrive on exchange and aren’t ready, you either embrace a new mindset- push through, and make yourself ready- or you are negative and admit you weren’t ready from the start.

3 months is a short amount of time. How can a person possibly develop a completely enjoyable and problem free exchange in three months’ time? You can’t! Most people are still trying to get accustomed to their new life up until the end of the holidays, when the make it through any homesickness or culture shock from the difference in traditions and the separation from family back home. And in three months, how many people are going to see you to the airport? Sarah had 2 people with her. And she didn’t even take home any souvenirs of her time spent here! They weren’t important to her because from day 1 she was negative about being in Ecuador.

I want this experience not only to impact my life, but impact the other lives around me. I want the 20+ people I care for most and become close with on this exchange journey to be at the airport to hug me goodbye,  just as I hope they want to be there hugging me back. I want to be sad to leave- I can already tell by how I felt at the airport with Sarah that it will be an emotional and bitter sweet experience for me when the time comes. I want leaving to be significant. I want to take souvenirs with me. And I think that it means so much more when you have affected the people and the country as much as they have affected you. That’s why I am here. To grow and learn and have this unique experience become a part of who I am, a part of my history, a special memory, a new skill and language, a second family, home and culture. Not many people can say they have a home and a family in two different countries. It takes time to develop that kind of relationship. That is why this experience is 10 months long. Through this experience my hope is that I develop this kind of relationship. I hope I can come home saying that I do have a home in Ecuador that I can return to and feel positive about. I say this because I want students to know what they are signing up for. There are challenges, but the rewards of an exchange year will follow you well into the future. The power of the mind is such an incredible thing. I really believe that my exchange is going so well because I take everything in with my positive mindset, even if emotionally I disagree. For example, my emotions are sad to be away from my family on the holidays, but my mindset is keeping me strong, reminding me of the positives, the reasons I am here, and reminding me that I will have holidays with my family next year. 

In closing, I want to say that I will always encourage people to look into exchange, but I also trust and pray that through the interview process and orientations, the students are honest with their district coordinators and with themselves so that they don't make a mistake. I just think going for a little while and coming home is much more disappointing than being honest from the start and saying "I am not ready". But that is easier said than done I'm sure, and something that I feel the students don't think about when all they hear are the positive and glorified stories of travel and language and friendships from the rebound students. I will also bring up that maybe it is about the age of the student as well. I keep saying that the gap year option is the best choice I have ever made. My friend Sarah arrived at age 16 and just turned 17 a few weeks before leaving. I am 18 and my birthday is in May. Being even 1 or 2 years older than most of the students here has made me look at how much more maturity and knowledge I have than the younger ones... And how much responsibility I take sometimes to watch out for the naïve ones as they go out thinking that nothing bad can happen to them. I even hear the younger students complaining about their host families and all the problems they have, and I listen politely but think... “Wow I don't have any of these issues” or “I would have handled that situation so much more maturely or respectfully”.

Just some food for thought if you are prospective exchange student- Ask yourself the following: Why are you going on exchange and what are you looking to get out of it? How do you feel about leaving behind school friends and family for this duration of time?  Are you doing this for you or are your parents telling you to? What is your mindset, or how would you handle a situation such as homesickness or a tough host family? If you answer honestly, and don’t feel the need to lie to yourself or others if a question concerns you, then I think you will be able to overcome the challenges of exchange in order to have an amazing time. Remember, there is a big difference between anxiousness and doubt. If you doubt your ability to make it through the year abroad, you’re thinking too much about what you will be missing at home, are perhaps negative about the country placement, or don’t want to put in any effort to study the language before leaving; maybe you need to re-evaluate your decision to go.